A glimpse into my last 30 years, as I reach my 42nd Birthday
'42' PART 1 of 2
7:35am To delve a bit deeper into my faith, I'm sure u can imagine where I stand as a Christian after spending all my life terrified of admitting I liked guys. I had to live a secret life for so many years. A secret life that led me into deeper secrets, and inapropriate avenues of acting out on my attraction. I worried my family would disown me, I worried that if people I went to school with found out, I'd be rejected and abandoned, I worried that if people at church found out, I'd be banished from church, and possibly even go straight to hell (as if God didn't know what was going on all along). I worried that if people I worked with in construction found out, I'd be laughed out of a job. And possibly, worst of all, if people I raced with found out, I'd he assaulted, or at the very least, kicked out of what was most important to me, motorsports.
Once u have one secret, it becomes too easy to have more secrets. I attribute me having Crohns Disease to the stress all of this caused. And, I attribute my being in prison for life, today, at least partially, to all of this.
When I first was caught at 19 years old, in the act, by a person's mom of inappropriate sexual acts with the then 14 y.o. male (it had been going on for two years), my sexual attraction didn't go away, nor my need to feel loved and accepted, and so it only led to the deepening of my secrets. By this time I felt as though my life depended on sex. That it was as necessary as food, water, and oxygen. Partially it was sexual addiction, but even more so was the emotional connection. I'd become emotionally codependent on people, and love and sex, and the need for love and acceptance had become 'oxygen' in my life. Without it, I felt as though I'd die.
Our family attempted to have me counseled by our pastor, which in the end didn't happen, and I eventually was arrested, long story short. But when we went to meet with my pastor who I looked up to, he said to me, "I don't think you're a fag, I think you're just probably confused." Again, my attraction, and 'life sustaining needs', didn't magically vanish. It only added another layer of secrecy.
Through it all though, I still never quit believing in God, and I sincerely believe it was only He that helped me survive it all. When I felt unloved, or that I had to hide, as if u could hide from an all knowing God, somehow my faith endured, and it was finally in 2013 or 2014, after some time back in prison, this time for life, that a peace came over me, I felt, or had this message come from that still small voice, which said to me "You are going to be okay" And a peace I'd never known washed over me, and I then felt loved by God, as I was, and fully accepted myself, and who I was and had always been, gay.
Now, that's not to say I've not had other things that have left me without peace and joy, mainly the fact that I have a life sentence. That's a hard one to swallow. My largest battle now is with hopelessness, guilt over the people I've hurt along the way, loneliness, and fear of losing family members to death, and myself dying all alone.
8:36am Anywho, where was I? Ah yes. Towards the end of my first prison sentence, I went through sex offender treatment, a place which they were encouraging me, or rather, telling me I am gay, and that I needed to accept it. And to them, I had, but outside of there, I was being pushed by the church and its people to not be gay. So, when I left and gave it one last ditch effort to be with a woman, well on our way to marriage, the shit hit the fan. Despite her knowing my past, and my struggles, she agreed to marry me. Six months short of the date, with much of the money already invested, she screwed me over real good, using my past to take all but my house and truck, and with the cops help, I got my car back, but nothing from inside my house or garage.
This was a negative turning point in my life, and where my four year skid began. I began to have sex with age-appropriate men, recklessly. I filled up my schedule, and was rarely home. The last year or so, I was so busy, and addicted to sex, and chatrooms, and online dating, that I slept about 2-3 hours a day, seven days a week. When I discovered under age males online, and internet I never had prior to my first arrest, I got pretty deep into online stuff. My eventual arrest was merely the accumulation of four years of hell. But, Imust have wore a good face, because nobody knew that I was drowning, and slowly dying on the inside.
My arrest was a relief, sadly.
That is the shorter version of and even longer one.
It took accepting myself as gay, and then dividing out three main issues I had, sex, innapropriate attraction, and emotional codependency. This was a major piece towards growth.
Continued. . .