'Christ Dependent' by A.J. Rasmussen Nov. 6, 2015
Just four weeks ago, I felt as though my life was crumbling out from under me. On the phone with my mom, she told me she would no longer be able to help with the ministry (Cornerstone Ministry-CM). I was devastated by the news. She had been the major help in getting things rolling and managed the majority of the work-load that I couldn't do myself from within these fences.
My mom is retired, yet she works more now, probably, than she did while working. She takes care of my two nephews while my brother works, m-f. My nephews, ages two and four, keep her busy (and young). Between the hours with them, taking care of herself and home, on top of being there for me, the added work of the ministry was beginning to affect her health. Blood pressure elevated, she needed to step back from something.
A second reason was my brother and sister-n-law. They were concerned for the safety of my nephews, if my mom was having contact with individuals coming out of prison.
I however reacted very selfishly. I only, initially, thought of myself and the ministry. I asked myself, 'How will the ministry survive? What will I do with my time and life now?' I was angry and sad all at the same time. Angry because I felt as though my brother was purposely bringing up this concern, to keep my mom from helping me.
Although I still feel their concerns are unwarranted, for a number of reasons. I realize it's not my place to change how someone feels or what concerns them. Also, the last thing I would want is for something to happen to my nephews or mom. I'd certainly never do anything to harm them.
Another problem I had, I was feeling, just days before this news, that my mom was the only person I could depend on 100% anymore. And then came this blow to 'my plans.' I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me. I had to end the phone call early, and I bawled in my cell, like a little baby. I will say though, I think it was a cry that was needed, because I'd held in that cry since the day I was sentenced to life in prison. I cried like a baby that day as well. Since, I had bottled up the tears through numerous ups and downs. Releasing that dam allowed me to step back and truly evaluate the situation over the next couple weeks and see what was really going on. The conclusion I came to is, as dependent as I've felt I'd always been. And as much as I'd felt I had given it all over to Christ. I'd become very dependent on not only myself, but also my mom and others.
In this, I believe Christ has used it to notify me, yet again, that He is the one, the only one, in charge. That He doesn't want me to depend on my mom or my friends, but rather to be Christ Dependent. And that, that is what I work on this day. Trying to be more aware of where I place my dependence.
I will tell you, although my mom has pretty well stepped back, she still is going to handle the finances, which in and of itself, is more than one could ask for. That is her expertise and God has provided. The rest of the work, the rest of us are working to handle. We always welcome other volunteers by the way. By years end we hope to have a few more people on the team to help us continue to move forward with the mission placed upon us! Praise God! (www.go2cm.org)