Holi-day Part 2

Holi-Day (part two) by A.J.

December 23rd continued. . . So far, so good. I have had my emotional bumps, highs and lows, but overall things have went well, I have my family, and extended family to thank. My Mom, first and foremost, and Annette, Jason, Leontien and her family, and Brandon. Poor Brandon, he gets my moods from the front lines, but he's a weathered soldier, he's been through much worse than dealing with this knuckle head :-)

The visit with my mom was blessed. I couldn't help but eat more ice cream, but luckily I have no celly, so the only one that must suffer the consequences is me, and I don't mind, that ice cream is GOOD! Of course I went with the M and M ice cream sandwich, but later, when I felt like more, I had myself the Snickers ice cream bar, hard to go wrong with that. I don't want you thinking that I just go eat a bunch of garbage, I began the visit with a salad, lemon iced tea, and BAKED potatoe chips,which claim to be 65% less fat. When I cracked open the bag however, I visually could see where the 65% less fat came from, the bag was 65% empty! I had to get two bags, so really it was only 30% less fat once u do the math. I shared them with my mom though, so I guess that bumps it to 60% less fat, so either way I won, that is if you don't count the ice cream, the Mello Yello I eventually had, and the Pay Day, because who doesn't enjoy Pay Days? So, all said and done, I may have gained some weight, but it's the holidays, you're supposed to, right? :-)

My mom stomped me in two out of tree of the Yahtzee games. I mean, has anyone ever heard of FOUR Yahtzees in one game!? I think she may be supernatural or something? She did raise two boys basically on her own, so she probably has something super going on. . . I did beat her in Rummy, but we rounded out the day with a nice photo in front of the Christmas tree which turned out well. No blinks, and I don't think it added 10 pounds? That was probably from the food I ate. Two days to go of this holiday weekend. Currently I'm listening to Michael Buble' Christmas music, and going to relax the rest of the evening to music and magazines. Merry Christmas ya'll!

Sunday December 24th. . . The day is almost half over, and I've tried my hardest to make the best of the fact I'm trapped in here while all my family and old and new friends are out there enjoying the two-part Christmas, Christmas Eve and Christmas. I got up after hitting snooze about six times, made myself some coffee (added the last of my candy cane to make it Christmasy) I then straightened up my cell, and went to the day room to listen to music on my headphones while I wrote letters. I managed to get two done before tapping out and returning to my cell. I decided to head back to bed, I realized it is better to go to sleep and pretend I'm not alone, rather than stay awake and know I'm alone. At least with me in here, my entire family can get together, whereas when I'm out there, they all celebrate split to avoid spending it with me. This way my family who does still love me don't feel torn between me and those who now hate me. For that I am thankful, that they get to enjoy Christmas without me being the elephant in the middle of the room. Out of sight, out of mind.

Since I've been locked up, nearly six years, I've sent cards to my dad, his sister, his brother in law, and his wife (my aunt, uncle, and step-mom). Cards sent for Christmas, Anniversaries, Birthdays, and Father's/Mother's Day. This is the first year I quit sending to those four, because who knows if they even opened them to read them? Why was I wasting the limited funds I do have on postage to those who don't even respond, or display an ounce of care or concern? I've continued sending them to my brother and sister-n-law for now, but the day may come I quit that as well, as they too could give two shits, and likely don't even open them. Now my nephews, who are currently four and six, I'll never quit sending them cards, even if I never hear back. Maybe one day they will write or even visit, once old enough to make their own choice. They are the final hope of connection to my blood relatives outside of my mom and grandma.

I do have that family who is not blood, yet in many ways more important than those who are (not counting my mom, grandma, and nephews). That whole 'blood is thicker than water' bs, you hear all your life, or family first, all that is crap. True family loves unconditionally, and outside my mom and grandma, the only true family I have are not blood related, but they are very much my family, and I love them a lot. I must thank them (and my mom and grandma) for making it these six years, without hope or purpose there isn't a lot to get out of bed for each day, except for them. . .

Merry Christmas though :-) I know I sound like that Bah Humbug dude, but that's just real, the life of someone locked away for life, what is the point. Why not just hand out the death penalty and save everyone? This is often much worse than the actual death penalty. Quit warehousing people! To the world we are dead already, bury us and get this shit over with! Or rehabilitate us and give us another chance. I know I had a second chance, but give me another with what I've gone through emotionally and mentally, and I garuntee you the courts will never see my name on their desk again. Losing nearly everything, and everyone, including purpose and hope, along with spending over four years in closed custody with my charges and sexuality, combine all that with my last decision that landed me here playing over and over again in my mind for nearly six years now, and looking the boy in the eyes who sat on that stand in my trial, and you will not see me again in a courthouse if given a third chance. I'd better get ready to go visit Annette, thank God for her, her and my mom have been my main two lifesavers. Her dad told her all her life that she is basically worthless, screw that guy, she's a huge part in keeping me alive

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