December 24th continued. . . So, the visit with Annette went well. Of course, we ate, more of the same, that good and healthy vending machine food, which isn't bad if you're on a ten thousand calorie a day diet :-) We had two close games in Yahtzee. In SkipBo, I just managed to have all the right cards in order, cus I put a salackin on her, however, it is possible she let me win to help my mood? :-)
I returned at about 3 pm to find Brandon pretty down. His son's mom was going to come to visit with his son, but for various reasons she didn't come, so I instantly jumped out of my mediocre mood, and put on the game face to try to help encourage him and strengthen him. Every time I go to a visit, a part of me always feels sad to have to leave my friends behind, I wished I could bring them with me and share the love of my family and friends with them. That feeling is actually what led me to start Cornerstone Ministry originally, back in 2002, to share some of that love I get, with others who don't have it. It is really hard to remain depressed when a friend is down, my 'motherly instinct' kicks it and I want to comfort. You can't comfort someone when you're in the dumps yourself, so for a while, I was feeling okay, in an attempt to shed some light into someone else's darkness. It works every time it seems, but in the end, I switch back to the mood I had prior to stepping up to help. It's almost like I dig down deep to find every ounce of remaining strength I have buried somewhere, I transfer it to the other person, in this case, Brandon, and then I'm left completely empty, back to my original lonely, bored, and depressed state. It's strange, I suppose this is how my mom survived all those years when she was depressed at times, but us kids never saw it, her depression must have been saved for behind closed doors, or in her car on the drive to and from work, but she always pulled it together to appear strong for us? It's like a transference of power you didn't even know you had within yourself.
I did have a brief good feeling as the snow began to fall, and little by little the ground began to turn white. It's like a Hallmark Christmas movie, which always ends with a happy ending, and with the snow beginning to fall. But as I lay here, all alone, the realization sets in that this is it, this is how I get to spend tonight, tomorrow night, and every night thereafter until they shut the lid on that pine box, most likely there I will also be alone.
I had visits Friday, Saturday, and today, Sunday. . . Many people had none, yet they continue to walk around here with smiles, what is my problem? Is it possible the difference between them having a release date to look forward to, and I don't? Maybe that's it? I don't know, I feel selfish and ungrateful at times because I still have so much more than so many, yet I sit in this funk at times. That makes me even more depressed than I am that way. I sometimes tell myself to quit being such a sissy! What the hell is your problem? Be thankful for all you have! But, it is easier said than done.
I returned from my visit to an email from my friend Jason, and pictures attached of the gifts he rounded up so Brandon's son and his son's brother could have a Christmas, and know they are loved. That did my heart good, and when I showed the pictures to Brandon of all the gifts the boys would be getting, this sad state he was in lifted, and it was replaced with a smile, and possibly a tear or two. The tears may have been in my eyes, I'm not sure, maybe we both just got something in our eyes at the same time? It was a glorious moment, I look forward to hearing about the conversation he has with the boys after they have opened all their presents, about five apiece. That is what Christmas is about, blessing others. Both Jason and his mom had their hand in this, but my mom, Annette, and Jason all have contributed as well, in making Brandon's life turnaround a success, and for him to be able to get and stay on the right road, and in the future, his boys will have handmade items from their daddy. That will be special as well. This is the kind of a love triangle I am connected to, they love those I care about and want the best for all. That gives me comfort and some peace as I end this Christmas Eve. I hope it warms your heart as well, and that it encourages you to share the love you receive with those around you who need it. Love changes people, so go out and Love those most unloved. Prisons and jails are loaded with such people, reach out! If you haven't, you can find someone to reach out to by contacting Cornerstone Ministry at email@example.com Just tell them you want to meet someone whose incarcerated, who needs to be shown some love, they will connect you. There are 2.3 million people locked up, believe me, they will find you, someone! Merry Christmas. . .And to all a good night!! \"/