by AJ Rasmussen;
I wrote this entry a week into the month of April, almost 2 weeks later than normal, for my monthly post.
So, why am I late? I've been so distracted by the one true friendship I have in this place, or so I thought.
Today, I don't know what to think. Does a "true friend" talk negatively behind his friend's back? Or does a true friend lie compulsively to you when you've been 100% completely honest and open with them?
I am so torn. I feel as though my heart is the rope in a contest of tug of war. I truly love this man. Prison is such a lonely place and when you meet someone who makes you laugh (usually) and who seems to care about you equal to how you care for them.
Well, in all honesty, I have come to realize that I am pretty emotionally immature, and I struggle, in a big way, with emotional co-dependency. Co-dependency of any sort is type of bondage, something that enslaves you. When things are good, and you are around the person or thing of co-dependency, and you feel "loved", you are good and happy. But, let things fall you of that idea of "perfection", and you feel as though your world is crumbling under you, and anxiety kicks in, leading to depression, and thus goes the cycle which worsens with every cycle.
For my own health and sanity, I feel I need to cut all ties with this friendship, but, then, am I selfish? Am I holding him back in his growth toward becoming a better man of God, and am I holding myself back? This friend, as well as myself, have faced abandonment and rejection repeatedly in our lives, so comes the guilt and the major factor that keeps me emotionally bound. I don't want him to feel abandoned or rejected. I have no anger or hatred towards this person, only love and compassion. I know him, he knows me. You don't find such friendships too often in this environment. So to let it go seems absurd, doesn't it?
I have Crohn's Disease, and the added stress of my emotional roller coaster this past month has led me to need more pills to keep healthy, have taken more pills in the last month then I've taken in the last 5 years. Clearly, something has to change, and my gut is literally telling me.
That's not the only confirmation, as I continue to come across scriptures, that speak to me of this situation, me, as well as my friend, and I just continue to convince myself "No, that must be a coincidence!". The third confirmation, a number if Christian brothers giving advice that I don't want to hear, meanwhile things get worse and worse.
There just may be a time, when you have to disassociate yourself with a friend, for self and the other person. However, it's easier said than done. Question I ask, why do I continue throughout life, get myself into such situations? Why can't I simply be a "normal" friend and now allow myself to get to the point of co-dependency? Do the same thing expecting different results? The very definition of insanity.
I stood in the shower today, tears flowing, feeling that loneliness and hopelessness, questioning myself, how long would it take to be gone if you were to slice your neck? This fleeting thought led to more tears followed by crying out to God, "God I am so weak! Your word says that when I am weak, you are strong? I need your strength now Lord!"
I'd like to tell you that bam!, all was well, but I suppose He gave me the strength enough to endure the moment. Since, I've gone to school, had a few more tears flow, and just been left feeling empty.
Life in prison, although I suppose it shouldn't be a cake walk, it isn't easy by any means. It is beyond punishment, in more ways than you can imagine. I ask that you pray for me, as I continue to pray for you all.
PS, pray for my friend too.