Easter is this Sunday, which is also April 1st. That means come Easter Sunday we have officially moved on from one quarter of a year to the next. Hard to believe, because it seems as though it was just Christmas. Where does time go? And what do we do with that time? It feels to me like one quarter has blown by, and I've done nothing. The only real thing I have done is get myself in trouble this first quarter of 2018.
How does a person go from never getting into trouble inside of prison, to three major infractions within a couple months? I have that answer, it is called depression, depression coupled with being a codependent person. My best male friend, the closest friend I've made in a long time, went home November 13th and I utterly crumbled. At first, he remained in contact, but then he found himself caught back up in some of his old behaviors which led to him having to leave me behind to focus on himself and his family. I understand this, and respect it, but that doesn't make it easy.
I've lost so many friends and family members in my life, mostly because of my own actions and behaviors. Because of this Holocaust like loss, I tend to cling to people more than ever, afraid to lose more people. My life revolves around this very small group of people, and paranoia often creeps in, and false beliefs or thoughts find their way into my ever-circulating mind, that I am losing a person, or that I will lose this person, or that this person is mad at me, or that I've done something wrong, or worse, that this person might be doing something wrong which could lead to me losing them in my life. All of this magnified when I felt I lost my closest male friend back in November and December. I then project that fear onto others, or assume the same thing will replay with every person I befriend and open my heart to. It is an anxiety filled, depressing, and often times lonely way to live. So, do you just have no friends, and be even more lonely? I've debated that, and that seems even worse.
In this depressed state, and being filled with anxiety, loneliness, and having felt abandoned and rejected, I made some not so wise decisions, and I paid for it with losing my life-line, this media player, a couple times, and loss of other privileges. Not only that, me and my family had the fear of me possibly being moved farther away after finally making it close to home.
I think I have made it through this not so great chapter in my life, and turned a corner as I am now working on some of my major issues, which in all my years of therapy and counsel, I have not worked on. The major one being my emotional codependency issue. Also, digging into the roots of my problems. Rather than bury them as I've always done so well, uncovering and dealing with them, it's not easy, but Pastor John is helping me through it, as is this book and work book I'm utilizing by John Townsend and Dr. Henry Cloud titled Boundaries suggested by mental health.
I would be remiss if I left out the unconditional love and extreme patience of my family and friends, both in here and out there. Let's hope for a better second quarter of 2018, and hopefully I won't feel as though I wasted it when I get to July 1st and look back.